Living dangerously

What not to say to a frazzled brain.

My husband is without doubt my biggest fan and supporter. He has to be, to put up with me and the trail of mess and clutter I leave in my wake. As with most long-standing marriages (over 30 years: we were either very young then or very old now) it’s a symbiotic relationship: I feed him, he washes up, and we’re both a sounding board for each other’s rants and musings. Words are not needed to ascertain what kind of day we’re having, and we usually know when to steer clear and let things play out if it’s not a good one.

So you’d think.

You’d think - if your wife was clearly stuck in doomscrolling and bedtime-procrastination, taking an Instagram quiz about her ‘procrastination style’ instead of actually getting ready for bed like she said she would 30 minutes previously - that he’d know.

But apparently not.

It kicked off when I loudly queried my quiz result (‘Perfectionist’ apparently) and declared it piffle and nonsense.

I don’t procrastinate because I want everything to be perfect - I procrastinate because I find it hard to know where to start, due to a combination of having a gazillion potential projects and tasks to dive into, and incredibly ambiguous beginning and end points for most of them. I also get stuck in revenge-bedtime-procrastination, because my tiny brain thinks it’s an excellent way to claw-back some ‘me time’ at the end of the day and doesn’t understand why this is a terrible idea and leads to a perpetual cycle of tiredness and the feeling of not enough hours in the day to get things done.

Then the dangerous games began, as my husband pondered out loud “I’m never quite sure what all the things are that you’re procrastinating on”.

Oh my. You wouldn’t think it was 30 years, would you?

I don’t need to detail or elaborate on my response (you can guess the gist, but to be honest, I was mostly stunned) and I won’t bore you with my to-do list. Having a lot on my plate is definitely not something to brag about: we all do, we all juggle multiple facets of life, being pulled in different directions with all the shoulds and oughts and needs, and the wants and interests and desires.

And I won’t patronise you by telling you to remember to “take 5 minutes” to breathe or draw or go for a walk or go to bed early or whatever - no matter how busy you are, find those small chunks of time for yourself etc. Sometimes a lot of the time those things are yet another thing on the perpetual to-do list to beat ourselves with when we fail to do them. We all know we should look after ourselves, yet I think we all fail to remember to do so, even if only some of the time. Perhaps you’re better at this life thing. I’m in awe if that’s the case; most of the time I feel like I’m stuck with the mental capacity and understanding of an eight year old but, dangerously, one who has the freedom to make decisions about what to do, when, and first.

What I have been squeezing in time for, is more of these collages. They’ve been a proper sketchbook-procrastination-beater. Even easier, they’re not in a sketchbook, but on scrap printer paper. A few minutes’ of freeform writing and brain downloading, then I grab my gluestick and box of bits and stick away before the time is up, no time to dither. Posca added after the case, if I feel like it. As I mentioned before (I think) I do these during online Flown take-off sessions, every Monday and Friday. It’s a very short guided session, just about long enough to clear my head, get something down on paper, and it feels like a win before the day begins.

The other thing I’ve done - having procrastinated until the very last day - is send in my entry form for Ramster. And I can confirm: the procrastination was absolutely because of ambiguity i.e. I had no idea what I was going to enter! So even more remarkable that this year, I’d actually finished two pieces and almost finished the third before I wrote up the details and sent off the form.

Here’s some progress shots of my third piece:

Completely different to the previous two. Similar in that it was started a while back, different in that this one is smaller, beaded and embellished, and organised rather than purely abstract.

The symbol was added deliberately, but unfortunately, because it’s been a while, I forget the precise meaning. It has one, but I’m darned if I can remember. The closest I can find is the Zibu* symbol ‘Mantanu’ for ‘receptivity’. Close, but no cigar - there’s no dot on that one and it’s more curly. *I also have no idea how and why I found this stuff…

I could’ve sworn my symbol was linked with feminine energy somehow. It remains a mystery (unless you can enlighten me) but looks womanly and strong, so I’ve called the piece ‘Girl Power’.

One of the ambiguous, yet-to-be-defined, woolly ideas on my plate-juggling-list has been to use Flown to host my own private sessions - perhaps something along the lines of the braindump collages. At the moment, just an idea (need to think of a better name for a start) and I’ve no bandwidth both literal and figurative. But we have our internet upgraded to fibre next week, after which, let’s see! Let me know if this is something you’d be interested in.

Until next time,